The most common question I get asked by parents who have a child with an eating disorder is “is it my fault?” Many parents worry it’s their fault—that they somehow caused their child’s eating disorder. For example, when I’m coaching parents they might ask me:
Did I wait too long to seek treatment for my child?
Is it because I forced her to eat when she didn’t want to?
I got divorced from his Dad—is that why he has an eating disorder?
Is it because I have such a messed up relationship with food?
Did I make a mistake in letting her do dance classes?
My answer to all of these questions is the same: you did not cause your child’s eating disorder, and it’s not your fault. Eating disorders are complicated, and they’re rooted in biological, psychological, and social causes. No single thing causes an eating disorder. No single person is at fault for an eating disorder.
I hope this gives you hope, but I’m guessing you’re still concerned. Of course you are! You want to help your child feel better. You want to help them recover from their eating disorder.
And the good news is that even though you didn’t cause your child’s eating disorder, you can make a huge difference in their recovery from an eating disorder. You can help your child heal!
⭐ Get ready for recovery and find out how you can prepare yourself for maximum success.
⭐ Find out the essential steps and family rules you need to have in place for recovery.
⭐ Make your home recovery-ready with six simple steps that anyone can do.
Don’t blame yourself for your child’s eating disorder
I know it’s tempting to blame yourself for your child’s eating disorder. Sometimes doing this helps us feel more powerful in a terrifying situation. After all, you might subconsciously believe that if you caused the disorder, you have the power to reverse it. However, just like no one thing caused your child’s eating disorder, no one thing can reverse it. Recovery is a group effort!
Blaming yourself for your child’s eating disorder might seem empowering on some level, but it will contribute to you feeling burned out and helpless over time, and that doesn’t help anyone! Also, you don’t deserve to be blamed. Practice self-compassion as you go through the process of treatment and recovery by your child’s side and you’ll be stronger, healthier, and better able to help.
What or who is to blame?
I know you want to blame someone or something. The first thing to know is that neither you nor your child is at fault. The complicated truth is that many things work together to cause eating disorders. The three main causes are:
1. Biology
Some people are born with a genetic pattern and temperament that makes them more likely to develop an eating disorder. It’s nobody’s fault that they have these genes, it’s just part of who they are. But luckily biology isn’t everything, so having the genes isn’t a life sentence. People recover from eating disorders every day!
2. Psychology
Certain psychological conditions (many of which are biologically rooted, by the way!) show up alongside eating disorders. For example, people with eating disorders are more likely to have ADHD, autism, perfectionism, anxiety, and depression. The good news is that all of these mental health conditions can be managed, and you are essential to helping your child balance their mental health and build the psychological tools they need to succeed.
3. Social
Unfortunately, our kids (and all of us!) are surrounded by a culture that nurtures disordered eating. Negative messages about food, weight, and health are everywhere. You can help your child build the skills necessary to navigate our messed-up social messages and recover from an eating disorder.
How can I parent my child with an eating disorder?
Here are some of the things you need to provide when your child has an eating disorder:
1. Emotional Safety
Our kids rely on us to feel emotionally safe. People with eating disorders need this more than others. You can learn specific skills to increase relational safety and become the person they turn to when they’re feeling the urge to use their eating disorder.
2. Connection
Our kids are driven to feel connected to us and as if they belong with us. People with eating disorders tend to feel more disconnected and as if they don’t belong. This painful condition contributes to eating disorder behavior, so parents can learn specific skills to build connection and feelings of belonging in the family.
3. Emotional Co-Regulation
Our kids learn how to regulate their emotions by repeatedly co-regulating with our stable, calm, confident nervous system. People with eating disorders tend to be in a near-constant state of emotional dysregulation. You can learn specific skills to increase your ability to co-regulate with your child and help them find the regulated state they need to recover.
4. Professional Support
Kids with eating disorders need professional support. Typically you’ll need to get them at least a therapist and/or dietitian. They may also need a medical doctor and psychiatrist.
5. Feeding
Kids with eating disorders need their parents to feed them assertively. Feeding dynamics are very complicated when there’s an eating disorder, so you’ll need to learn some special skills to feed a child who is restricting, dieting, binge eating, emotional eating, overeating, sneaking food, and/or purging.
6. Monitoring
In many cases, a child with an active eating disorder will need their parents to monitor their eating behaviors and weight. Work closely with your child’s treatment team to learn what and how you should be doing monitoring.
⭐ Get ready for recovery and find out how you can prepare yourself for maximum success.
⭐ Find out the essential steps and family rules you need to have in place for recovery.
⭐ Make your home recovery-ready with six simple steps that anyone can do.
What if my child actually says “I blame you for my eating disorder?”
Some kids do say they blame their parents for their eating disorder. This is painful, but not unusual. Keep in mind that when a child says this, they’re trying to process their own feelings about having an eating disorder. They’re likely very uncomfortable about the treatment and recovery process and want to place their negative feelings somewhere outside of themselves.
When your child says they blame you for their eating disorder, try not to jump in to change their mind. It’s tempting to get defensive and try to persuade them that it’s not your fault. You’re a human and you love your child! Of course it feels bad to be accused of causing their eating disorder!
However, a defensive response breeds disconnection and emotional dysregulation. Instead, take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are not to blame. From that place, practice active listening and seek to understand your child’s emotional experience. The simplest thing to say is “tell me more about that, I want to understand.”
Paradoxically, asking your child questions and seeking to understand their point of view is more likely to motivate change than trying to persuade them to change their mind. This takes practice and it’s a big part of the coaching I do to help parents who have kids with eating disorders succeed in treatment and recovery.
Parent Coaching for Eating Disorders
Getting parent coaching can help you be more effective in supporting your child or teen with an eating disorder. Eating disorder recovery is possible, but it’s hard, and parents who get support, training, and skills are more effective and less burned out. If you’re interested in learning more, drop me a note:
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