By Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, C-IAYT, Founder
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had an imaginary clock in my mind, keeping me “on track,” whether that was when I was a student who was determined to be perfect in academics and athletics, or as a new mother who anxiously strived to keep the house and everyone in it on schedule. As I share in Chapter 4 of my book, The Courageous Path to Healing, this imaginary clock softly ticked when all the moving parts were functioning like clockwork. It thumped like a pounding headache when I felt time was closing in, like I’d never make the next checkpoint on the daily agenda and the whole day would turn to chaos.
I remember when I first told my therapist about it: “I have a clock in my mind that has been with me since I was little. It keeps track of my good enough-ness,” I explained. “It counts down how long until I will be thin, perfect, strong, hungry, smart, pretty, ambitious, accomplished, fit, prompt, tough, sexy, loving, happy, and maternal enough. This ticking bomb makes me feel like I do not have time to eat or take a breath. It is going to go off any minute and I think about skipping lunch or running to not feel the impending explosion.”
It was not just the ticking that made me worry about running out of time, it was the time-bomb quality that made me want to numb out with hunger. The feeling of not enough-ness kept the time bomb ticking. It took me years to be able to articulate this. My therapist helped me piece together this imagery and its deeper meaning. By then, the sense of time running out had been with me forever, so being able to define how it was sabotaging my sense of self-worth opened the door to deeper healing.
What keeps you questioning your worth? Maybe it is the scale, the mirror, the size of your jeans, a grade, or a paycheck. Maybe it is an imaginary clock, like mine, a checklist, or something different. For a time, I also relied on the scale to measure my self-worth. In the early years of my recovery, I needed to remove the pattern of stepping on a scale every morning so that I could get rid of my reliance on it. If I genuinely wanted to feel enough as I was, then this external object had to go so that I could begin to recognize my self-worth without it. Honestly, this was difficult in the beginning, but eventually I no longer “missed” or “needed” the scale to determine what kind of day I was deserving of.
Whatever the “thing” is that you keep measuring your enough-ness by, I encourage and support you in naming it and seeing it for what it truly is—a distraction. Something that is inanimate will never be a companion.
You, too, have the strength to let go of your dependence on external factors that sabotage your self-worth. I invite you to follow along with the practice below from my book to reconnect with your recovery values to help validate your enough-ness.
Practice: Reflect on Your Recovery Values
For this practice, you’re welcome to journal, make lists, draw, or express yourself in any way you like. Grab a pen, pencil, or whatever tools you’ll need and find a quiet space.
1. Take a moment to mentally scan through your day so far or the past few days. Note the various objects that you encountered and used to validate or invalidate yourself. Common objects might be the mirror, the scale, a to-do list, or the number of likes on an Instagram picture. Or perhaps you rely on a visual in your mind.
2. Fold a piece of paper in half so that the crease down the middle is visible. On the left side of the paper, I invite you to list, write about, or draw these objects. On the right side of the crease, list, write out, or draw your values for recovery.
3. Look at the two sides. Cross out the objects on the left that do not align with your recovery and healing values on the right.
4. Take a few full breaths, remembering that you are not bad or wrong for relying on these objects. This practice is simply an opportunity to gain awareness about any incongruences between how you are living and how you want to be.
5. On the back of the paper, list, write about, or draw how you might begin to change your relationship with these objects and make your recovery values a higher priority. Consider if support from a therapist or a trusted friend or family member would be beneficial for processing this exercise and helping you put your ideas into action.
If you struggle with feeling enough or often doubt your self-worth, I invite you to check out a few opportunities that may feel comforting and supportive.
Join us in April for Telling Your Recovery Story, a 4-week workshop series that invites storytelling and connection with others on the recovery journey. We will listen to stories of recovery as windows into understanding and sharing our own stories and self-worth journeys.
Consider incorporating Yoga Therapy into your recovery journey, where we can work together on self-worth and other themes that are important to you.
Head over to the Yoga for Eating Disorders Community Facebook Group for more support and conversation on self-worth with others who truly get it!
Be gentle with yourself. You are enough as you are. You deserve to claim your enoughness.💗
