By Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, C-IAYT, Founder
You look healthy.
I can remember when these words would send me through the roof, feeling so triggered and upset. I know I am not the only one who would have this reaction. There is not a single therapy group for eating disorder patients that I have participated in where people are not afraid of or triggered by the word “healthy.” This is especially true early in the journey when the decision to get well is both terrifying and a necessity. Although we commit to health and desire its benefits, it can be painfully difficult—horrifying even—to hear the words “You look healthy” from family, friends, and colleagues.
I can remember a specific instance many years ago when this happened to me. Perhaps no surprise, it happened with an insensitive doctor who responded to my disclosing my recent relapse with the words, “Well, you look healthy now.” His words felt like a punch in the gut. I froze on the examination table but managed to respond, “Yes, very,” with a hesitant smile. I resisted the strong urge to pull up my knees to hide my body.
The doctor was not wrong. I was at a healthy weight. I ate three meals and three snacks every single day. I practiced yoga. I’d continued therapy and was balancing home and work. I’d hit my stride, for the most part. Even still, when he called me healthy, the doctor pushed a button that triggered an old, direct response from the deepest recesses of my body (for the full story, check out Chapter 14 of my book, The Courageous Path to Healing).
After returning home from the doctor’s office, I felt confused. Did my reaction to the word healthy mean I was not that far along in my recovery? I thought I had accepted my healthier self. Why did this old narrative come back with such force? Why do I want to look sick if I also want to be healthy?
Reflecting on these questions in my journal led to realizations that may not have revealed themselves had I not gone to the doctor that morning. My biggest realization was this: If I look healthy to the world, then how will anyone know the truth, which is that I am not always okay? I also realized that I clung to the notion of my sick body not because I truly wanted to look sick, but because I was still in the process of trying on healthy ways to express myself.
Although the doctor’s comment bothered me in the moment, in the end, his words were a gift. They motivated me to expand my definition of healthy from one rooted in eating disorder thinking to one that aligns with recovery values. Every time the old, unhelpful narratives about the meaning of healthy showed up for me, I told myself I could redefine the meaning of the word to keep expanding on its definition.
In all honesty, it took me quite some time to change my relationship with the word healthy, and I had many other moments like the one at the doctor’s when I wanted to revert to old behaviors to cope with uncomfortable feelings. But each time I reinforced to myself that going back was not an option.
Today, when I hear the word healthy or say it myself, it means caring for my body, smiling and meaning it, participating in life, having choices, using my voice, moving my body with joy, taking up space, loving my family, being present to my senses, honoring my needs, enjoying cravings, and nourishing myself physically, spiritually, and mentally. To truly embody health, I have learned to define it anew.
Practice: Inhale and Exhale Affirmations
Did you know that taking time for a few purposeful breaths each day is one of the healthiest things we can do for ourselves? Every time we mindfully breathe in and out, we nourish our insides and help settle anxious thoughts, like the ones I was experiencing around the word healthy. You can also explore words or phrases to say to yourself quietly during inhales and exhales. This practice is a great way to hit an internal reset button. For example:
• (Inhale) It’s okay (exhale) if the future is uncertain.
• (Inhale) I am doing (exhale) the best I can.
• (Inhale) I choose (exhale) to care for my body.
• (Inhale) I can say yes (exhale) to recovery.
Here’s a few steps to guide you through your practice:
1. Purposefully pause and notice you are breathing.
2. Pay attention to your inhale and exhale, deepening your breath as feels best for you.
3. Use one of the examples above or create an affirmation of your own and breathe these words in and out for five breaths or more.
4. If you enjoy this practice, keep a running list of affirmations that you can call on any time you need them.
If you struggle with the word and/or idea of “healthy” and would like to explore ways to expand the definition to align with your recovery values and goals, I invite you to check out a few opportunities that may feel comforting and supportive.
Consider incorporating Yoga Therapy into your recovery journey, where we can work together on expanding the definition of “healthy” and other themes that are important to you.
Head over to the Yoga for Eating Disorders Community Facebook Group for more support and conversation with others who truly get it.
Join me on Wednesdays from 2 PM to 2:30 PM EST on Zoom for the free Connection Call.
Be gentle with yourself, and know you aren’t alone on this journey. You deserve to be healthy in all the ways that matter to you in your life and recovery. 💗
