After just over three months of being an inpatient in the unit my parents decided to take me out of there as I wasn’t getting any better and was picking up tricks. It was difficult getting better at home, I found it easier to get away with stuff. I would weigh myself every time my family went out and I would exercise in my bedroom when everyone was asleep.
I remember feeling so low that I didn’t want to live anymore, I thought of ending my life but the thing that stopped me was my family. I couldn’t think of putting them through that. Sometimes I would get so low I would harm myself, I would get something sharp and cut my arm where nobody could see. At that point it just got me through the hard times. I knew people would say stuff if they saw the scars so I would wear long sleeved tops most of the time. My mum took me to CAMHS (child adolescent mental health services) to see my counsellor Doctor Ing, I admitted to self harming and that I was struggling. The Doctor increased my dosage of antidepressants as he could see I wasn’t doing so well.
Few weeks passed by I started to think positive again and wanted to get better,as I could see it was ruining our family and because I wanted a life again. My mum and Dr Ing decided to get in touch with the unit to see if there was any chance of me becoming an outpatient. The unit agreed, I was happy and determined to get better. Everyday I would go into the unit for 9 and leave at 4, I was still following my meal plan from the unit. All my food had to get weighed as I was on a having a certain amount of calories. It got to the point where I was scared to come off the meal plan and start eating normal again. The nurses would talk me through it all and told me it would take time but I would get there. I felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel, I was ready to fight anorexia.
I remember sitting down with Doctor Glaze and my mum, I asked him ‘when will I be free from anorexia?’ I didn’t get the answer I wanted he replied ‘I am afraid anorexia will always be with you deep inside just it will be easier to control, you will have good and bad days’. Back then I didn’t really understand what he meant by it will always be with me.
Now I do understand what he meant, as everyday I overthink about what i ate in the day, some days I will watch what I eat and other days I won’t.I get my struggles still but I always fight through them, I will never really have a healthy relationship with food like I used to before I got ill. The anorexia or anorexic thoughts will always be with me but I have learnt to be strong and fight them.
I was getting better being a outpatient in the unit, the next step was going back to secondary school. As I couldn’t just stay at home, so me and my mum had a meeting with the headmaster in the school I was going to attend. We discussed everything with him, and decided I would start school in September. There was mixed emotions about going back to school but I was also excited. Everyone at the unit was proud of me and of how far I came.
After just under a year of being in and out of the unit, 31st of August 2011 was my last day at the unit as a patient. My next big step was taking control without help of doctors and nurses.
There are no photos of me when my anorexia was at its worst as I didn’t really like taking photos back then but below are some photos of me throughout my recovery.
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I am away tomorrow but check out my blog Monday evening to read the next part of my story.
