2021. Finally, a new year, new – wait. Nope. New year, same shit.
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve updated this blog, so I’m not really sure where to begin. I’ll guess I’ll start with now. I’m currently quarantined after being deemed a first contact with someone who tested positive with COVID at my work. So I’m supposed to stay home for 10 days before I can finally return to work on the 25th. I’ve been playing by the rules, but I’m so over it, it’s not even funny. And I’m over it for a couple of reasons.
One, I’m so bored. And before you say anything, blah blah blah, yes, I know, boredom should not exist in our current culture, or if you’re bored then that means you’re not being creative enough or some shit like that. And you’re not wrong, there are probably things on the creativity spectrum that I could be doing, but instead I’ve been binge watching Cheer on Netflix for, like, the 18th time. So there’s that.
Two, there’s nothing worse than making me stay at home and sit with my own thoughts all day. I want – no, need – to be busy. Sure, there are things I could do around my apartment to keep me busy for short bursts at a time, but I’m talking “leave my apartment at 6:45am, return home at 8pm” type of busy. Normally I go straight from work into doing Instacart orders until 7:30 or 8, and that keeps my brain occupied enough so that I stay out of trouble. Housework doesn’t keep me out of trouble. Distractions like puzzles or books or Netflix don’t keep me out of trouble. So having to bring my life to a grinding halt almost feels like torture.
I’ve been trying to think of different ways to look at this quarantine, and the only other perspective I’ve been able to come up with is that maybe this is the Universe’s way of telling me I need to slow the hell down for a second. I’m always so busy trying to stay busy that I’ve let a lot of things slide that do actually need my attention. For the most part, those things are household chores that I’ve just been too tired to do after I get home at night, so maybe this is the world giving me an opportunity to catch up on things I would otherwise still probably be neglecting.
But I’m not 100% sure that the reason I’ve neglected so many things has anything to do with me being busy at all. I’d like to think it is, but I also know it could be my depression, or my anxiety, or my eating disorder, or any combination of the three. really. Every fork, knife and bowl I own are currently in my sink, waiting to be washed. I still have a pile of stuff from treatment – yes, the treatment I discharged from over 2 months ago – sitting in a pile on my floor by my closet, waiting for me to find homes for it. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I washed my hair, but I do know it’s been 2 or 3 weeks since I’ve done laundry. And I have fruit rotting in my fridge that I can’t seem to throw away due to my lack of energy, even though it would literally only take me 2.8 seconds to throw it out. That is, if I can fit it into my garbage can. See where I’m at right now? Yeah, I know. Not good.
The eating disorder is raging, making me hate myself in ways I’d forgotten were possible. My hair is now so thin that my ever present headband can’t hide all of the bald patches anymore. I had lab work done, and there are some areas of concern, I’m sure due to my lack of eating. I’ve skipped my meds more times than I’m comfortable with, not on purpose, but because I just genuinely didn’t remember to take them. Or was too tired to remember. I know I need to be more on top of my meds, because I know from past experience that if I were to stop taking them all together, I’d be in deep shit. So I’m trying to do better with that. But it’s so hard. I’m so tired.
Since it’s what I call “deductible season,” I’ve had to cut my number of therapy sessions I usually have per month in half since I can’t afford my usual number until my deductible is met, so it’s been stellar having to go a couple of weeks without seeing my therapist when I need her most. Thank you American healthcare system. You’re a gem.
This makes it seem like my life has been nothing but miserable for the past month, but I can’t say that’s completely true. I am lucky to have wonderful friends that genuinely care about me and make me laugh and teach me new things (I got to learn how to “set” a theater set on fire with projections, how freakin’ cool is that?!). I’m also lucky to work at a school with such great kids, and to have had the opportunity to connect with some of them to encourage and help them through this crazy school year. A good friend of mine is about to have her first child, a little girl, and I couldn’t be more excited for her and her partner. I can’t wait to watch them grow into amazing parents – and I finally have a reason to buy cute baby girl clothes! So there have been positives. They just seem to get lost in the heaviness of life these days.
I’m trying to set small goals for myself every day this week, with the hopes that by the time Sunday rolls around, I’ll be all caught up on chores and will have a day to truly relax, watch the Packers kick some ass, and prepare myself for the first week of kids being back in the building in over two months. I personally can’t wait for them to return, as I don’t think the classrooms and hallways were ever meant to be as quiet and empty as they’ve been since November. Fingers crossed that we won’t have to go completely virtual again any time soon. I miss doing my actual job.
I don’t know where things will go from here, if they’ll get better or stay the same, or God forbid, get worse. All I can do is keep fighting and showing up, even when I feel like I just keep getting knocked to my knees. Because all of this, it can’t last forever. Right?
