I don’t even know where to begin. It’s 3 1/2 weeks post discharge and just about everything feels out of control right now. And I think we all know how I react when I feel like things are getting out of control…
My weight is officially the lowest it’s been in a couple of years, so there’s that. Part of me is ecstatic about that, and the other part of me is nervous that I might soon start to slide down a slippery slope that I know in my head is dangerous and will only cause more problems than I already have. And Lord knows I don’t need any more problems in my life right now.
But if I’m honest, I know I’m already sliding down that slope. The real question is, do I want to stop myself? Some days, the answer is a resounding yes. Other days it’s a big hell no. It’s exhausting ping ponging between the two, and I wish I could make myself decide no, this is enough, I’m not going back to where I was in September. And everyone tells me that only I can make that choice, and I know that. But it truly feels like it’s out of my control, like someone else is calling the shots for me. Or maybe I’m just back in the eating disorder deeper than I realize, or want to realize, and I’m just stuck now. And if that’s the case, then maybe I am already back to where I was in September. But deep down, I don’t think I am. So I’m going to try to fight like hell to stop myself from getting to that point. Even if I’m still engaging in eating disorder behaviors, I’ll consider it a win if I don’t get to where I was in September.
Another idea I’ve been toying with a bit is the idea of quitting therapy, or at least significantly decreasing the amount of times I go. My thoughts behind that are, if I’m not 100% fully committed to recovery right now, which I’ll be honest, I’m not, then why waste my and my therapist’s time every week. Not to mention money, as well. And I know what you’re probably thinking: big mistake, Becca. And who knows, maybe you’re right. But I’m just so burned out on therapy and talking that I just feel like I need a break. I still have appointments scheduled for the rest of the month, but I think January will be a bit of a respite month for me, and then I’ll see how things are going come February.
There was one positive this past week, though. Last Friday was a good day. By far the best day I’ve had since I discharged. The world didn’t seem so dark and heavy, and everything felt bearable. That day kind of carried over into Saturday, but by Sunday I was back to feeling like my “normal” self. But I’m so glad I got to have that day, because it reminded me that good days are possible. And I can always use that reminder.
So I don’t know where things will go from here. There are other factors I’d rather not get into that are also contributing to my feelings of everything being out of control, so it will be interesting to see how those things play out over the next month or so. Hopefully they won’t turn out to be the worst case scenario like I always imagine in my head. But this IS 2020, so who knows…anything could happen…
