Today was a hard day. A day I was hoping would never have to happen, or if it did, that it would happen months from now. I completed an assessment for more inpatient treatment. If insurance agrees, if the program’s medical director agrees (I’m half hoping they don’t), then I could admit in the next couple of weeks.
There are so many emotions swimming around in my head, I don’t even know if I could identify them all. Disappointment, for starters, that I let things slide downhill so quickly. I think the reason it happened as fast as I did is because on the day I discharged, both the nurse practitioner I saw and my nurse didn’t believe I should be discharging. They didn’t think I was ready. But they let me go anyway. So my brain took that as, “Well, you’re still engaging in ED behaviors, but they don’t seem to care enough to keep you or stop you, so that must mean it’s okay to keep engaging in them.” I know that’s a twisted way of thinking, but…
I’m nervous. I don’t want to screw up this time, because I feel like all I did last admission was screw something up every single day. I know that I can WANT things to be different all I want, but in the moment, when things are so unbearably hard…will I have that inner strength not to engage in certain behaviors and do the “right” thing? I honestly don’t know.
I’m also mad at myself. I had the perfect opportunity over the summer to get help, when me being gone was an inconvenience to no one. This time around, I’ll have to miss work, a few weeks worth I’m guessing, and I’m mad that I’ll be letting my coworkers down. I like my job, and I desperately want to be there every single day. But I won’t be. And I feel like I’m just going to create an inconvenience for so many people.
At the bottom of my heart, I know going back for more treatment is the right thing to do. The past two and a half weeks have been hell and I don’t see me digging myself out of this hole I’ve gotten myself into by myself any time soon, so. I know it’s right. But a large part of me still doesn’t want to go. There’s still a part of me that believes that what I’m doing is okay, fine, that I’m fine. But everyone is telling me I’m not fine, so…
Here I am. Prayers and good vibes much appreciated.
