My name is Rebecca. I am the youngest of six and was raised in a household where body image and appearance were always given significant attention. My eating disorder developed in my early twenties during my junior year of college on a semester in Paris. I starved myself and believed doing so held me above everyone else. This behavior also marked the beginning of exercise and restriction for me.
Before I made the decision to seek treatment, my eating disorder was at its worst. The restriction and depression had a 100% hold on my life. Complications from a surgery compounded my struggles and developed into more medical emergencies and multiple hospitalizations.
The turning point that guided me to treatment was after the final hospital stay where I had an emergency surgery. At that time, a very special friend, mentor, and psychologist said to me that if I did not get help this time around I was going to die. She referred me to Alsana, which marked the beginning of my healing journey.
Entering treatment was extremely frightening. I cried the morning I first entered the doors at Alsana Westlake Village, CA. The caring admissions counselor who helped me with intake was absolutely lovely and was in contact with me the moment I left my home, the moment I pulled into the parking lot, and the moment I walked into Alsana. I had no idea what to expect but I knew I needed help and knew I needed to be there.
It wasn’t until I actually began treatment that I realized I truly had an eating disorder. The groups, therapy, and meetings with my dietitian were extremely helpful. The meals and completion were the most difficult parts of treatment because I had no idea how disordered my eating really was.
After being in PHP for a few weeks it was suggested that I go to a higher level of care, which I said I would never do, but I surrendered myself to treatment and a week later, traveled to Alabama. I began residential treatment at Alsana Birmingham where I stayed for five weeks and began getting better!
While this may sound crazy, I loved my experience in treatment because of all the people I could relate to. I didn’t feel ashamed anymore. I was the oldest in all levels of care but I actually felt like I was also a twenty-something. It’s almost as if my life had been arrested, development-wise, and I was with my peers. I don’t feel that way anymore and definitely feel and love my age and the acceptance that comes with it. I absolutely love and still keep in touch with everyone I met at Alsana. They brought me so much joy and laughter and truly saved my life. (To Jess, Molly, the DCS, and Ashley, you all made a huge impact on my life!)
For me, being recovered means accepting imperfection, feeling joyful, feeling sad, accepting life on life’s terms, recognizing I’m so much more than my body and how I look, I get to feel all the feelings, I get to be assertive, I get to take care of myself, I get to say no to things I don’t want to do, and yes to the things I do. Recovery is freedom, surrender, ease, joy, relishing, healing out loud, and feeling out loud.
The greatest thing I took from Alsana was the community. I literally learned how to eat and I learned how to not be ashamed of what I was eating, how I was eating, and what my body was doing for me. It’s all about connection and community and relying on all of the support systems I have in place. I’m also learning not to keep secrets anymore! What you see is what you get!
My life before Alsana had become very dark and grim and my eating disorder was the only thing I had to hold on to. I was fixated on my body image and calories 24/7. Today I am able to eat regularly, not force myself to exercise, and to truly accept my life when it is easy / hard / bumpy / lifey / uncertain.
I am feeling good about my future and feel that I am choosing things, relationships, and situations that are healthy and bring me joy. I recently left an organization I was working with due to feeling that it was not good for my mental health. I’m very happy I did this and it took me a while to take that step. I processed it for a while and now that I’m out I know that I did the right thing! I get to live my life for me and no one else but me. I do have a beautiful life with loved ones, both friends and family! I am grateful for the people in my life who supported me through my treatment journey and continue to support me in my recovery journey.
I am working with my eating disorder therapist, I attend Alsana support groups, and see my dietitian approximately four times a year. I hope to eventually become certified in Carolyn Costin’s eating disorder coaching program, but I’m still just waiting to see what makes the most sense. I’m excited to be attending an eating disorder retreat in September on the east coast. Ultimately I would love to conduct retreats here in southern California for people in eating disorder recovery.
Aside from having my children, getting help and going to treatment is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself in my life! Alsana was a wonderful program for me to go to and I know that I made it what it was for myself. Going into treatment, it’s hard to face the resistance and the unwillingness but I had nothing to lose and had to be willing to surrender. When I was in treatment I knew if I left I would be going home to nothing…so I stayed (with the help of my peers). I now feed myself literally and figuratively and that’s the key!
