What is the right amount of food to eat when you suffer from binge eating disorder?
I’ve learned a lot about myself and my eating habits over the years. However, one thing I can’t seem to master is what the right amount of food is for my body to eat at meals.
I’m VERY familiar with eating way too much, then later restricting (which is always short term) when I want to lose weight. But, being satisfied with a meal? Well, that’s another story.
Dieting and weight loss
I am really good at eating less than my body needs when I get into the mindset of wanting to lose weight. It takes me a few weeks (or months) to gain the strength to quit bingeing for a time, but I eventually can do it. The thing about that, though, is that I don’t know how much I should eat to get enough food for the day when I’m in that diet mentality.
I don’t think I’ve ever counted calories because it’s not in my blood (too much work). I’ve never tried any diets where I had to count calories. I just followed points for one diet plan or was told exactly what types of food to eat for another.
The insanity of scales
Almost all eating disorders have one very similar issue- obsession with weight. From anorexia to binge eating disorder, we’re all on the same spectrum.
As I’ll talk about later, I don’t weigh myself. I gave my word to my therapist who specializes in eating disorders, and I have actually stuck to it!
Does that mean I just don’t care about the number on the scale? Hell no! Some days I get that obsessively familiar feeling of wanting to weigh myself but knowing I can’t because it will undoubtedly ruin my day, week, month, and beyond.
That is the same way I feel when I want to binge. I can feel it coming like a freight train but I’m not strong enough to stop it. And sometimes I don’t want to.
So far though, I’ve been able to stay off the scale which I must say has been somewhat “easier” than not bingeing.
I know that not weighing myself isn’t as hard because I don’t have to weigh myself to live, unlike eating. There aren’t scales everywhere, calling me. I don’t go to the scale store, (Say, for example, “Scales &… Well, That’s It!”) and walk through aisles and aisles of delicious, tantalizing scales. It’s pretty easy to stay away from scale stores.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a store solely dedicated to just scales, and if there is and its name is “Scales &…Well, That’s It!” I will make it my life’s work to go there, take pictures, and laugh until they call the police on me. Then I’d probably stop laughing…but I’d have one hell of a story to tell! And I’d also be really mad that someone stole my scale store name…
I’m the kind of person for which “out of sight, out of mind” works, for the most part. I told my teenage son to take the scale downstairs, hide it, and never bring it back up.
My point is (yes, I have one), that I think I’ve lost some weight, but I try not to speculate how much because it’ll drive me crazy. I put too much power into what the scale says.
My self-worth is NOT dependent on a stupid number.
Ok, enough about scales!
Eating too much
As I said earlier, I’m great at eating less than my body needs when I put my mind to it, but only for the short term. Restricting, for me, always swings back to bingeing, like a freaking boomerang.
If I go too long without eating enough, my body says to my brain, “Yo, Brain!!! You have to feed me! NOW!”
Since eating is my specialty when I’m hungry/starving, of course, I’m all too willing to eat. And eat. And eat.
You get the idea.
Restrictive eating behaviors
Over the past 1-2 months, I haven’t been eating very much which I think is great, but my ED health team thinks is worrisome. Like I’ve been told so many times, eating disorders are all on the same spectrum, even though they have quite opposite symptoms in some cases.
This week I had one of my regular video appointments with my psychiatrist. I told him that my therapist thought I was having restrictive eating behaviors, and that I hadn’t binged or weighed myself in quite a while.
He looked at me (well, just my head- that’s all that was in the shot) and said “You look like you’ve lost weight.”
Well! I must say I was shocked that someone noticed! I’ve felt like I lost weight, but since I don’t weigh myself and don’t study my reflection in the mirror, I wasn’t getting my hopes up.
I replied, “I do?! Really?”
I couldn’t help but break into a big ol’ goofy grin.
I try so hard every day to focus on the other, more important, aspects of the journey in my recovery process, that I’d pretty much given up hope on weight loss.
Don’t get me wrong, weight is always on my mind…like when the devil (my eating disorder) sits on my shoulder, always whispering devilish things in my ear. My ED constantly tells me that I’m never going to succeed at getting my overeating under control.
Since I haven’t been overeating and numbing my feelings, I’ve been having some more dramatic mood swings than normal.
Here’s an example of an exchange I had this week with my husband:
Husband: You’re looking healthy!
Me: What?! What does that mean?!
Husband: Uh…
Me: What did you mean by healthy? TELL ME!!
Husband: looking like a deer caught in the headlights>
Me: WELL?! Do you mean I look like I’ve lost some weight?
Husband: Um… yes?
Me: So why didn’t you just say that?!
Husband: I don’t know. slowly backing away from me>
Then I stormed out of the room in a huff.
My poor hubby. I didn’t realize how ridiculous I was being until much later.
Slowing it down
This is a new feeling for me. I’ve felt it in the past, but was doubtful it would ever return.
Somehow, I have completely changed my eating habits. I no longer scarf everything down as fast as I can. I find myself actually looking at my food as I eat it. (Well, not every bite. That would be weird.)
When I don’t have enough time for a meal, I eat less food instead of eating fast. I have no desire to stuff myself. I don’t want to feel sick and sluggish from trying to finish it all.
Snacks have become my friend. For a long time, I only ate 3 (sometimes 2) meals a day with nothing in between. When I started the restrictive food behaviors, I was eating meals about the size a “normal eater” would have for a snack. And I wouldn’t feel hungry either! My disordered brain thought this was great. That way of eating had never been possible for me in the past.
I mean, I’ve restricted myself in the past, but I would make up for it later when hunger got the best of me. This time, I don’t think about food much and sometimes I actually cringe when it’s time to eat. I’m not always in the mood to eat at my meal times. This is all new to me and I know I’m swinging in the opposite direction from my previous bingeing.
It feels good to have room in my head for things other than food thoughts/obsessions. Constantly thinking about food is exhausting, which you probably know all too well.
Final thoughts on the right amount of food
With BED, your intuition about the right amount of food your body needs go right out the window. Relying on your own thoughts and judgment isn’t exactly feasible with an eating disorder.
I don’t trust myself with food AT ALL. Looking back, I can’t believe I ever did. But that’s what an eating disorder does to you- it distorts your reality.
Someday I hope to trust my own intuition, but until then, I’m going to try my hardest to go easy on myself. I’ll aim for the next best thing, and if I get stuck, I have my ED team to guide me back, not the devil on my shoulder.
Do you think (or know) that you have an eating disorder? Check out these resources or read Where To Turn When You Need Help For An Eating Disorder.
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