By Jennifer Kreatsoulas, PhD, C-IAYT, Founder
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people.” -Anne Lamott
This quote by Anne Lamott hits me hard every time I see or hear it. How about you? In the first chapter of my book, The Courageous Path to Healing, I open up about my oppressive relationship with perfectionism back in college. I was an overachiever and obsessed with being the best in academics and sports. I was also a hard-core people pleaser. Your typical type A individual. While the drive to be perfect may have helped me to achieve great things, it was also the trap that eventually caused so much pain and harm. Rowing for my college crew team was the first time I encountered not being “the best,” and I did not have healthy ways to cope with feelings of inadequacy and failure. This is when my eating disorder started.
When I look back on this time in my life through the lens of yoga, I see how my attachment to needing to be perfect created my pain. Because I hung my self-worth on how I was perceived by others, I automatically believed certain people in my life did not approve of me and convinced myself I was not good enough.
Because we live in a world that values perfection, many of us walk around attached to the belief that we are still not good enough. And so, we push ourselves harder to prove we are somehow improving, or we isolate because the fear of failure is paralyzing. We contort our bodies and sacrifice our needs for that passing look of approval from a parent, teacher, partner, or colleague. Sometimes we make excuses to avoid situations or events that we would otherwise enjoy if we did not feel pressure to be perceived as perfect. Certainly, the constant bombardment of weight loss commercials, drugs, diets, and fad workouts on TV and social media can intensify the drive to be perfect. We must work that much harder to not give in to these false and dangerous temptations.
I share in Chapter 1 of my book how—with a lot of trial and error—yoga philosophy guided me to let go of perfectionism and see the true pain that comes with trying to exist perfectly. According to yoga philosophy, attachment, or raga, happens when we believe our identity is dependent on something outside of ourselves, such as our body, job, spouse, children, workout regimen, food intake, jean size, material possessions, ideals (like perfectionism), or whatever else we believe we must be or have. We believe this is what completes us, but what happens when it all goes away? Who are we then? The truth is, we are none of those things, and we never were.
Thankfully, the teachings of yoga demonstrate how to let go of our attachment to perfectionism. For me, this took many years of ebbing and flowing, noticing when I was striving to be perfect and gaining awareness about how doing so affected my mood, thoughts, and behaviors—all of which would inevitably culminate in my urge to restrict or overexercise. From the awareness of how striving for perfection was hurting me, I could discern that being attached to an ideal was not a value that aligned with my recovery or life. Rather than clinging to my perfectionism for dear life, it was time to learn how to “hold it lightly.”
I invite you to follow along with the practice below to experience what I mean when I talk about holding it lightly. Try this exercise from my book to help you let go of the attachments that create suffering in your life.
Practice: Hold It Lightly
1. Take a moment to consider at least one thought, ideal, or rule that you are attached to. Perhaps, like me, your attachment is related to perfection. Or maybe it is connected to specifics about your appearance or other external factors.
2. Name the thing you are attached to by saying it. You can say it quietly to yourself, speak it out loud, or write it down. Then take a few gentle breaths.
3. Cup your palms in front of you and connect the pinkie sides of your hands.
4. Imagine placing the thing you named ever so gently into your palms and take a few more gentle breaths.
5. Make fists as if gripping or clenching the thing you named. Notice how gripping creates tension in your hands, wrists, arms, shoulders, back, neck, and probably even your face. Notice how your breath changes when you’re in grip mode.
6. Softly open your palms again and take a few gentle breaths. Allow your shoulders to soften, as well as your face and any other areas of your body that feel rigid or tense.
7. Now visualize the thing you named in your palms and explore what it feels like to hold it lightly instead of tightly. With your palms open, you now have the power to look at it from many angles. You can see it from the sides, for example, which you could not do when clenching.
8. Holding it lightly, what do you notice that you were unable to see when you were gripping? What wisdom do you glean when you can see the attachment for what it is? Does it support your mental health or deter it?
9. Take a few gentle breaths as you sense what it feels like to hold your attachment lightly instead of gripping and clenching onto it. What is something kind you wish to say to yourself from this lighter place? Perhaps write down what comes up (or save a note on your phone) so that you can return to this message often.
10. Return to this exercise to practice letting go of an attachment and to find a lighter, wiser way of being.
If you are working on letting go of your attachment to perfectionism, or are interested in taking some steps in that direction, I invite you to:
Be gentle with yourself, and know you aren’t alone on this journey. Letting go of perfectionism takes time and practice and commitment. Remind yourself you are capable, and you don’t have to be perfect at it. 💗
