Few aspects of food are so reviled as emotional eating. These two words often conjure an image of a person—usually a woman—crouched on the kitchen floor, crying into a pint of ice cream. With such an image come myriad negative judgments: No will power. Undisciplined. Too emotional. Oversensitive. Out of control. Needy. Ashamed.
It’s true that emotional eating reveals how we deal with our feelings. In moments of emotional eating, we’re hurting, and we don’t feel adequately equipped to feel, allow, and be with that experience. We seek comfort and distraction in crunchiness, chewiness, or creaminess. Yet all too quickly remorse sets in, and we’re left reeling—no closer to soothing the hurt.
Emotional eating—and other loss-of-control eating—is shrouded in shame, which silences us into secrecy. So, we don’t realize how many of our own friends and family struggle with it too. The clash of painful emotions and shame-inducing eating prevents us from getting to the heart of what is going on when emotional eating strikes. Yet we don’t have to keep living like this.
What I’ve learned working with folks recovering from disordered eating—not to mention my own ever-evolving relationship with food—is that emotional eating is a terribly misunderstood form of communication from our bodies and heart-minds. It’s a cry for help we can learn to hear. The practice of lojong supports us in softening toward emotional eating and listening to what is has to say.
“There is nothing morally wrong with emotional eating (and there is no moral hierarchy when it comes to foods). Emotional eating is simply a behavior used to try to feel better.”
The lojong slogans are fifty-nine pithy sayings that are often attributed to Atisa, an influential Buddhist leader from the eleventh century. Contemplating these slogans can help us cultivate compassion and transform obstacles into teachers. One of the slogans I like to apply to emotional eating is: “Three objects, three poisons, three seeds of virtue.”
The meaning of this slogan may not be immediately clear, so let’s break it down. The three objects are pleasure, pain, and indifference. The three poisons are grasping after pleasure, resisting pain, and numbing into ignorance. The three seeds of virtue are freedom from grasping, freedom from resistance, and freedom from ignorance. So, this slogan can be interpreted as meaning that—even with all its pleasure, pain, and indifference, grasping, resisting, and numbing—emotional eating has the seeds of freedom in it. But before we get to freedom, we need to bring insight to bear on the three objects and the three poisons, and we can start with grasping after pleasure.
Of course, we like pleasure. We’re wired for it. If pleasure didn’t motivate us to eat and have sex, we wouldn’t be here. Yet grasping onto pleasure undermines real pleasure and can lead us to states of obsession and addiction. Cultivating the ability to appreciate pleasure when it is present and witness (and feel any related discomfort with) its dissolution is how to find freedom from unskillful passion.
Thankfully we’re wired not to like pain, and that has protected us for eons. However, persistent avoidance of life’s quotidian discomforts tends to lead to greater suffering and confusion. This resistance is hatred or aggression. Developing the ability to first tolerate, then soften toward, and ultimately be with pain frees us of its control.
Sometimes, although we’re not grasping onto pleasure or aggressively resisting discomfort, we’re not willing or able to turn toward some part of our experience. Instead we numb out, ignore it, or turn a blind eye. This is ignorance or delusion in action.
When we emotionally eat, we are often enacting some version of passion, aggression, or ignorance. Working with this slogan, the first step is to notice what’s going on for you. When you recognize you’re in the throes of emotional eating, pause—even momentarily—to punctuate that awareness. Then activate compassion mode so that you see clearly. Acknowledge what is happening: I’m eating emotionally. I’m just trying to feel better. Everyone struggles. Maybe I could find a way to more precisely meet whatever feeling is provoking this reaction.
You can even extend compassion to the emotional eating itself. There is nothing morally wrong with emotional eating (and there is no moral hierarchy when it comes to foods). Emotional eating is simply a behavior used to try to feel better. In some cases, you might even decide eating is the most skillful course of action. (There have been plenty of times when I’ve consciously and intentionally eaten to soothe strong emotions.) Choosing to eat when emotional is very different from emotional eating.
Once you have roused compassion, inquire as to which of the three poisons is prevailing: Are you grasping onto something you can’t let go of, or are you trying to create or prolong a positive experience? Are you resisting something you don’t want to feel? Are you numbing yourself to something you don’t know how to deal with?
Understanding whether emotional eating is tied to grasping, resistance, or ignorance brings more mindfulness into an otherwise chaotic-feeling situation. With that awareness, you can inquire within as to your true need.
If emotional eating is about pleasure seeking, maybe there isn’t enough pleasure in your life. What could you do about that? Do you need more nature, creativity, sensuality, or surprise? Are you having fun sometimes? Do you feel connected to people? Do you have enough time to yourself? Are you eating and drinking and sleeping enough?
If your emotional eating is more about fighting uncomfortable feelings, what is causing you pain? Are you struggling more than normal? How is your stress level? Do you have unresolved trauma? Do you need more support? Is your resilience lowered by grief, life transitions, or illness? Do you leave space for yourself to struggle sometimes, or do you speed through tough times? Are you eating and drinking and sleeping enough? (Yep, that one again.)
If your emotional eating is about turning a blind eye to some aspect of your life, might it be time to turn fully toward that thing? For example, if you realize that you emotionally eat in response to feelings of rejection, perhaps you need to become more familiar with your experience of rejection, maybe even with support from loved ones or a therapist.
Bringing space and curiosity into the sticky, claustrophobic moments of emotional eating can help transform it from automatic reaction to skillful and intentional response, whether you end up eating or not. Contemplating the lojong slogan can immediately take the sting out of emotional eating. Applying this practice in the long term might even help you see emotional eating as a wise teacher.
Jenna Hollenstein, MS, RDN, is a nutrition therapist, speaker, and best-selling author of Eat to Love, Intuitive Eating for Life, and Mommysattva. She is passionate about helping busy people incorporate mindfulness into nutrition and life. Contact Jenna at www.jennahollenstein.com
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