Blog post written by Kendra
For the longest time I felt as though I had my recovery under control; I felt a sense of calm and stability in regards to my relationship to food and self. I was however, always cautious when speaking to my recovery and very intentional about situating myself as “in recovery” as opposed to “recovered” because I knew all too well that the small voice in my head never really went away for good. It was quiet, almost non-existent for months on end, however there were also times when it came back full force and made every effort to make its presence known, and take over control. It was something I learned to expect, or moreover just to be on alert for, knowing that when it came, I had the skills and resources to lean on and get my recovery back on track.
But then I got pregnant. I had a beautiful baby boy and then had a second pregnancy and a beautiful baby girl. This is when everything I thought I knew about myself and my recovery got flipped upside down and turned inside out. While I thought I was super aware of myself and equipped to face challenges, I don’t think I could have ever prepared myself for the journey pregnancy and my eating disorder were about to take me on.
Before I get any further, I think it’s so important to acknowledge that having a family of my own was one of my biggest motivators for recovery. I knew more than anything I wanted to be a mom one day and more often than not this was a dream I leaned on when facing some of the biggest challenges in those initial years of recovery.
So to be honest, when it reached the point that my husband and I were ready to discuss growing our family, I did not give two thoughts to the role my eating disorder would play in this journey. I was so thrilled to know I had reached so many of my goals and that one of my dreams was feeling like it could soon be a reality.
Here is where I typically pause in my story. And it’s not because I am choosing to deny the challenges, I actually feel very open to discussing them, but it is because I am worried about what others might perceive of me. Pregnancy is such a beautiful gift and full of so much joy, yet this is not always the full picture and honoring that felt hard at times. I wanted to be glowing, I wanted to take weekly bump photos, I wanted to wear nice maternity clothes, I wanted to get a maternity photo shoot but my eating disorder had other plans. In every effort to take care of myself and the sweet gift growing inside of me, I had this awful voice in my head trying to steal the joy and take control. It was hard. I felt shame. I felt discouraged. And I truly had moments where I didn’t think I would make it through the nine months. But I did, and that is something I am so very proud to say. And while there is a part of me that really wishes this was not a part of my pregnancy journey, I accept that it was, and would love to share some of the things I learnt through all of this.
First and foremost, my eating disorder does not define me. This was a hard one to navigate and one I constantly went back and forth thinking about. I worried that if I accepted some of the challenges I was having it would translate to me not being a good mom. That I wasn’t caring enough and too selfish, and that people would tell me to get over it. I smile as I write this now and being on the other side of things because of how twisted this sounds now, but at the time I felt it. What I know now is that my eating disorder was and still is a small part of me. And while it felt as though its presence was so powerful through this season of life, it did not define me as a person and definitely not as a mom to be.
The second thing was recognizing that for the first time in my life, my body was now needing nourishment for more than just myself. This was hard and something I lost sight of quite often, almost daily, thinking that I was just different than everyone else. The emotions that came with this were huge. I felt guilt for not thinking differently, and questioned my morals and values as a human being. I worried that I was not able to put the needs of another person first and I would get angry with myself for even thinking it was ok to engage in eating disorder behaviours. But again this was the eating disorder talking and not me. And in fact the eating disorder was very wrong every time it came to nourishing my body. I did need more energy than I ever had in the past and this didn’t make me out of control (as my eating disorder would often try and convince me) but instead it allowed me to create a safe and nurturing home for my sweet babies to grow.
Another thing is that with pregnancy comes changes to your body and there is no way to avoid this. I spent so much time worrying about how I could get my body to change as little as possible and worrying about where I would be after delivering my baby. Truth is, pregnancy changes our bodies and everyone’s body changes differently and there is absolutely no way to control this. Gosh, this was hard to wrap my mind around and challenged so many of my thoughts around body image, but it was unavoidable. As I look back, I wish I spent more time celebrating the changes my body went through as opposed to hiding away hoping they wouldn’t happen.
Lastly, it was so important that I reach out for support. Like I said, I always felt fairly confident in my recovery skills and felt as though I had a solid support system around me but at this time, I needed to grow it. I needed to include my midwives. I needed to include my doctor. I even reached out to a therapist that specializes in pre and post-partum care to talk through some of the feelings I was having. I had to ask my family for more support than I typically did. And while I know reaching out for support is something that is talked about so often, it was crucial I embraced this and leaned on whoever I could to get through these times.
I feel as though I could go over for pages on this topic and I am hopeful this is a topic we can begin talking more about. But as I leave today the one piece I hope stands out to everyone is that, struggling with an eating disorder, during pregnancy or not, does not define you as a human being. Recovery is not linear, and even when you feel like things are going well, it is okay to fall back and struggle again. While this journey was hard to walk through, now that I am on the other side I hope that my experience can bring hope, compassion and perspective to someone else.
