Well here we are, I’m in my final week of pregnancy! I cannot believe how time has flown! But this is me!
I’m feeling great still, fielding a lot of texts from loved ones checking in, and just doing the final last minute things before baby arrives…any day now!
Part of me seriously thought that the *booms* from the fireworks over the Fourth of July were going to startle her into coming out into the world to see what all the ruckus was about!
But I’ve been spending a lot of time walking and praying and just being quiet. We’re settling beautifully into my parents’ lower level (it’s not a basement, as it exits out to the backyard with a gorgeous wrap-around porch with swings and a sitting area). But they are generously letting us stay with them until our new house is ready for us.
But one of the things I have been thinking about, as I’m carrying around this cute baby belly, is how grateful I am to have been able to bring this precious life into the world.
As many of you may know my story, I suffered with a severe case of anorexia in high school that not only left my body ravaged at 78 pounds, but also left my reproductive system so damaged that I didn’t have my first period until I was 29 years old.
The thought that I would be able to bring a child into this world was something that I wouldn’t even let myself dream would be able to be a reality for me.
And so every time I feel our daughter kick inside my belly, I am reminded of just how far God has rescued and restored me.
This weekend at Mass, we got our pregnancy blessed by the priest (who married us, gave me my First Communion, baptized me, and feels like one of the family) for a safe and healthy delivery, which was so incredibly special.
And the second Scripture reading really hit home for me in a powerful way. It was from 2 Corinthians, Chapter 12, where the Lord says to Paul,
“My grace is sufficient for you,
for power is made perfect in weakness.”
I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses,
in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.
Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults,
hardships, persecutions, and constraints,
for the sake of Christ;
for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
I’ve realized that, to my surprise, that horrific season of my life when I was in the throes of the eating disorder, I no longer spurn or am overridden with shame and guilt about it. But rather, I count it as a period of growth that I thank God for allowing me to endure and overcome.
Was it completely devastating and truly the darkest period of my entire life? Yes, absolutely. But during that period of isolation and pain, I also truly learned of my desperate need for God. I actually internalized a soul-level dependence on God, which I carry with me forever more.
I learned that I am nothing without Him. I learned that I cannot survive without Him. I learned that I would not be here today if it weren’t for His saving Hand, His forgiveness, His strength, His rescuing, His revival, His redeeming love.
And truly learning that at 18 years old…it has shaped the rest of my life. And that dependence on God has played into every decision I’ve made, every thought, every action, etc.
Not only does my life prove that God can bring goodness out of any situation, but it also demonstrates Paul’s message in 2nd Corinthians.
That season was the absolute weakest I have ever been or will be. I was at the pit of the basement of rock bottom. And God broke through the stone fortress around my heart, and saved me from throwing away my life — literally. He rescued me and restored me back to life…complete with now allowing a baby to grow inside my uterus, that -at 18- the doctors had called damaged beyond repair.
The strength of God’s saving hand and His goodness are written all over my story.
And I know it doesn’t end there.
I know that He is going to give me all the grace and strength that I need to get through labor and delivery, too: another time that calls for my complete dependence on God.
I have recently been in just this overwhelming state of peace, thinking about delivering her because I know that God is with me, and this is the fulfillment of the story He has written for my life.
I am really hoping to go without an epidural, and I no longer fear the implications of that decision, because I trust in God, and know that He will carry me through it. Yes, it will be painful, but I am ready. This is what God created me to do, and this is the fruit of all the years of restoration God has invested in me.
So all that to say, I am joyfully waiting in excited anticipation for whenever this little girl wants to bless us with her presence. Which, truthfully, I don’t think is going to be anytime soon.
Everybody says how “miserable” the last couple weeks are of pregnancy, and I just haven’t found that to be true. I’m still power walking five miles every morning, I’m able to move around easily, not terrible swelling, I’m sleeping well…every day has been a joy, honestly.
And I have God to thank for that. (And my incredibly loving, knight-in-shining-armor of a husband who has done everything to make sure that I’m happy and comfortable and completely taken care of.
But all that being said, I just think she’s way too cozy in there to want to come out anytime soon. She’s getting amazing meals all the time, she’s getting lots of activity, everyone is talking to her through my belly, and she’s getting all sorts of rubs and love pats. I just think she’s mighty content to stay put for a while.
That, and I haven’t gotten that “intuition” that labor is near.
So anyway — THANK YOU for all the prayers and kindnesses you’ve been sending my and Steven’s way.
This is the beginning of the best adventure Steven and I are going to embark upon. And I’m grateful to have you all with us every step of the way!
Sending huge hugs and love,
xoxo, Caralyn
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