I’ve been trying to write something for this blog for a couple of weeks now, but I’ve felt so drained, both physically and emotionally, that it’s been hard to organize my thoughts. I doubt this will be a very long or interesting post, but just a little bit of an update instead.
This past week, specifically the past three days, have been straight up miserable. No way to sugarcoat it. Things have been awful at work, awful in my personal life, and awful in terms of my eating disorder. I don’t think I’ve ever hated myself or my life, honestly, as much as I do right now. I know hate is a strong word, and maybe in an hour, or tomorrow, or next week, things will change, but right now, that’s exactly how I feel.
I’m currently on the waiting list to go back to inpatient and I’ve been on that list for almost four weeks now, so hopefully I won’t have to wait much longer – not because I want to go back, but because I genuinely feel like I have no other option. I feel like the eating disorder is suffocating me, that the air around me is poisonous. I want nothing, NOTHING MORE, than to get rid of this fucking illness once and for all. I have no clue how to keep living my life this way, and the thought of having to is such a scarily hopeless feeling.
Not quite sure how I’m going to get through this weekend – one hour or minute or second at a time, I suppose. But to anyone who asks, yeah, no worries, I’m fine. I might be surrounded by fire, but I’m fine.
