By Minh-Hai Alex, MS, RDN, CD, RYT, Guest Contributor
A few summers ago, our family was finishing up dinner outside, everyone done eating except my then 4-year-old son. I remember this exchange with him:
Levi: Mom, what’s that feeling called?
Me: What feeling?
Levi: That feeling when you’re full but you don’t want to stop eating.
Me: Hmmm… I don’t know… I guess we need a word for that feeling, huh?
Levi: Maybe it’s…..happy?
My kid’s experience as an eater without the influence of diet culture was simply a fullness in the belly, pleasure in the eating experience and desire to continue eating. And then when he’s done with the meal, he moves on fully. But for so many of us, normal eating experiences such as sometimes eating past comfortable fullness brings self-judgment, guilt and/or efforts to “make up” for the meal, perpetuating a disordered eating cycle.
There’s a popular Buddhist teaching I sometimes share with my nutrition therapy clients. I’ll be curious to hear if it resonates with you:
There are two arrows of suffering in life. The first one is inevitable. It represents pain – if you’re struck by an arrow, it’ll hurt and feel painful. The second arrow is how we relate to the first arrow and includes things like self-judgment and resistance to the first arrow. According to this teaching, the practice is radical acceptance for the first arrow (e.g. “this is my experience in this moment”) and dropping the second arrow.
But the more we internalize diet culture, the more insidious second arrow suffering there is around food and body image. Activist Melissa Fabello, PhD says diet culture = “a society that’s so inundated with dieting propaganda, often times imperceptibly, that it affects how we relate to ourselves and each other.” This might sound like:
Omg, why am I hungry again?! I just ate! I should NOT be hungry this early after breakfast.
Why am I eating more than him?!
I blew it…
I should be satisfied with just protein and veggies.
I’m so bloated and gross… (“Gross” to describe how you feel is usually a clear indicator of second arrow suffering.)
In my work with clients, I try to unpack what’s first arrow and what’s second. Sometimes the work involves strategies to prevent first arrow suffering. For example, if you have reliable access to food, getting hangry is preventable; there are ways to improve digestion, etc.
But oftentimes, the work is about noticing and letting go of the second arrow. When self-judgment about our eating experiences goes unchecked (second arrow), it can actually worsen first arrow suffering. A few examples: self-criticism and shame make it harder to stay present so uncomfortable fullness is more likely to turn to a physically painful binge; stressing about food makes digestive symptoms worse, etc.
Liberation and mindfulness teacher Rev. angel Kyodo in this Sounds True conversation says:
We have a lot of theories and ideologies, as I like to say, that are inherited meaning… I have a dear friend, Greg Snyder, and he says, “We don’t have personal thoughts, we have private thoughts.” And by that, he means that all of our thoughts come from someplace else. They come from the ideas of the time and the era and the space that we’re in.
While food guilt can feel so personal (“there’s something wrong with me”), if I were to share all of my clients’ judgments about food and body image, it’s remarkable how similar these thoughts all are. Diet culture is in the air and it’s definitely not personal.
While I hope you have lots of satisfying, pleasurable eating experiences ahead of you, I mostly hope that regardless of your eating experiences (pleasant, unpleasant or neutral), you can meet yourself with kindness, and trust that your worth is never on the line.
