One of the greatest gifts of getting farther along in one’s career is developing a comfort with “not knowing” stuff.
I know that sounds wild because I am kind of obsessed with learning. It’s one of the things I love most about this career – the opportunities for ongoing learning are everywhere.
With experience comes discernment – getting clear about what knowledge serves my clients and, ironically, how “not knowing” serves them too. Today I’m going to talk about “2 Things I Definitely Don’t Know” (although the list is longer than 2) and why I think that’s a good thing.
The first one is…
I don’t know the specific path that will allow my clients to heal and recover. I know that it happens but I know it happens differently for everyone.
Sam (name changed) worked with me for about 7 years. There were ups and very challenging downs during those 7 years. By the time we brought our work to a close we both agreed that she made incredible strides in her healing process. Several years later, Sam reached out to me expressing gratitude for the hard work we did together, sharing that it was foundational to her reaching full recovery. However, she also shared that she didn’t fully recover from her eating disorder (ED) until she took a pause from traditional outpatient ED treatment. This turn of events surprised us both.
To be clear, neither Sam or I would ever tell someone, “stop ED treatment if you want to recover from one!” But Sam realized that in order to leave her ED behind she needed to leave it all behind; stretch her wings to work and relationships with no ties to her ED past. While we worked together, Sam often expressed doubt she’d ever get better. I always told her that I believed healing was possible for her. I didn’t know how or when but I believed in it for her. We just grabbed lunch and it filled me with immense joy to hear about the fullness of her life, unencumbered by her ED. She got there (and continues to work hard for her well-being) in her own way. I was lucky enough to be along for part of the ride.
Clinicians, you don’t have to know what specific path will lead to recovery for your clients. You just have to stay strong in the belief that HEALING happens all of the time and in unexpected ways.
The second thing i don’t know is…
I don’t know the “right” body weight for my clients. And it’s absurd to think that this can be generated by a chart or calculation.
Dietitians are tasked with calculating weight ranges for their clients. Skilled dietitians consider a wide variety of data to develop a thoughtful guess as to what range of weights will support a person’s physical and psychological well-being. But it is a huge relief that my client’s body size isn’t actually up to me. It’s up to their body. Sometimes medical providers, therapists, family members, and clients (perhaps unconsciously) think I get to decide my client’s body size. But the truth is, the body is in charge.
Recently a client expressed anger with me that I wouldn’t “agree” to the goal weight she set for herself based on personal preference AND her doctor’s insistence that she try to get to a certain BMI range…then the next week she “confessed” that another part of her was relieved. She shared, “I sometimes hate that you won’t agree to help me lose weight. But deep down I know I’m safe with you, because you’ll never agree with my ED. You will never be ok with me starving myself in order to get to the ‘right BMI’ and you’ll never judge me for my size.”
Clinicians, you may know what weight doesn’t support your client’s recovery. And you may have ideas about what might happen on the scale when your client no longer relies on their ED. But you don’t get to choose your body’s size, no matter how thoughtful your assessment and calculations are. Your job is to deeply believe in the wisdom of their bodies, especially when they can’t.
It’s true – in order to become an ED specialist, you do have to know a lot of important information to help and not harm your clients. But my hope is that we can relax into the importance of “not knowing” as well.
In this co-created practice of surrender, we make space for their wisdom and self-trust to flourish and grow.
I’m curious, how have you leaned into “not knowing” in service of your client’s growth, healing, and recovery?
My career has taught me how much I love helping others learn and grow. That’s why I began creating online courses in the first place. Here is a list of free resources for clinicians that can be downloaded and you can also check out all my online training programs for clinicians and dietitians. The goal for all of these is to help you work with your clients.
