Growing up, I never really paid much attention to my body. I didn’t care because it was the least important thing about me.
Fast forward several years, and body image was everything to me. I became obsessed with appearance and how people saw me.
And maybe that’s why I get emotional when I think about my eating disorder. Because I remember not caring – not caring about weight or food or my physical appearance. And I remember the dramatic shift from not caring to caring a lot. My whole thought process changed.
What started as an innocent desire to eat healthier quickly spiraled out of control. I found myself stuck in a never-ending loop of restriction. I was always looking for new ways to reduce my caloric intake. It turned into a sort of game I played with myself. But it wasn’t a fun game, and I couldn’t possibly win.
Looking back, it’s obvious that I was actively running from God during the years I battled an eating disorder. I didn’t have the energy to cultivate a spiritual relationship because I was so absorbed with myself and food. In fact, I would say that anyone who holds onto their eating disorder is not seeking God. Maybe that’s a bold statement, but I’ve learned you can’t glorify God while focusing so heavily on self.
I’ve heard a lot of people say, “Anorexia is not a choice.” To a certain extent, I agree. I didn’t wake up one morning and decide, “Hmm…let’s develop an eating disorder today.” But on the other hand, I was the one who chose to tweak my eating habits. Sure, it wasn’t this one decision which set me down the path of an eating disorder. But this poor decision led to other poor decisions and so forth. Soon enough, I was allowing my own thoughts to dictate truth instead of looking to Truth Himself. Food became my idol, and God was only an afterthought. So in a way, I did choose anorexia. Not because I wanted to starve myself, but because I was already starving spiritually.
At a glance, eating disorders seem to be all about food. And yes, food plays a big part. But when you get down to the heart of the matter, you’ll see the problem runs much deeper than food. Maybe you wrestle with doubts and fears and questions too hard to answer. Maybe you hide from those fears. Maybe you chase them on the treadmill. Maybe you eat them in secret or purge them in the bathroom. Whatever the form of your struggle, there’s always an underlying issue waiting to be surfaced.
My battle with anorexia began when I lost sight of the fact that I had been made in the image of God. I wanted to fix myself. I thought controlling what I ate would make me happy. I thought my parents would be proud. I thought my friends would look up to me as some sort of inspirational health guru.
In the book of Genesis, we see a similar situation play out. Up until chapter 3, everything has been perfect. Adam and Eve are walking in close fellowship with God. He is their best friend, and they are wonderfully satisfied in Him. But unfortunately, this relationship is severed when Eve bites into the forbidden fruit. In her head, she is convinced she knows better than God. As a matter of fact, she wants to be like God (Genesis 3:5). Perhaps the most heartbreaking part of this story is that Eve fails to see she has already been made in the likeness of God.
And sadly, her story has become our story. Just like Eve, we want to make ourselves God. We choose separation where Christ offers unification. We grab onto the half-truths of this world and allow what we think is true to hold more weight than the truth of Scripture. We brush past the fact that we are image-bearers of God!
Maybe you struggle with disordered eating. Maybe you don’t. Regardless, my message to you is the same: run to Jesus. Cling to God’s Word and hold on for dear life! Don’t settle for twisted versions of the truth. Don’t allow Satan to distort your view of God’s character. When you honor your spiritual hunger, you will naturally start to honor your physical hunger – not because it’s all of a sudden easy, but because it is pleasing to God, and you want to glorify and obey Him.
You can’t play around with an eating disorder while trying to follow Christ. No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other (Matthew 6:24). Therefore, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us (Hebrews 12:1).
– Taylor
